Here we go...
The first thing you should know about me, as a photographer and as a human, is that I truly believe that your marriage is more important than your wedding day. One of the main reasons I got into elopement photography is because I was weary of seeing so many couples spend tens of thousands of dollars on an elaborate wedding day that seemed to produce mostly stress, chaos, and financial debt...with a side of celebration. And I have also seen so many couples spend so much energy on wedding planning, that for the duration of their engagement, they forget to be a couple and invest in their relationship. By the time they get to the wedding day they are exhausted, worried about ALL the details of a big wedding, financially tapped out, and often feeling disconnected as a couple.
I used to think, "surely there is a better way". Well, as it turns out, there is.
Before we can really dive into how to talk to your family about eloping, we need to make sure that you know WHY you want to elope. So, I am going to share my top reasons that I am pro-elopement with you and I hope that if you've decided to elope, these resonate with you. And I hope that if you are on the fence, trying to decide between a big wedding or eloping, that this helps you make your decision. Last thing before I dive in, if you are in the midst of planning a big wedding and it's not what you expected and you want out...it might not be too late. Reach out and let me know, I can help.
Why an elopement?
Let's go ahead and get the financial part out of the way, because while it is a valid and important reason, it's not the most important reason. When it comes to eloping, there are many ways to do it and cater to different sized budgets. I have known couples who eloped for a total budget of $1000 all the way up to a more elaborate elopement budget of $15,000 or more. Either way, your average elopement will cost a fraction of the cost of a bigger, more traditional wedding. When you elope, you have the freedom to create the wedding you want, and spend the money on only the things that are most important to you. I have couples who only spend money on photography, their clothes, and an officiant. And I have had couples who rent a house, bring in food, hire multiple vendors, and make a whole weekend out of the elopement. The beauty is that it's YOUR choice. Generally speaking, the big ticket item is going to be your photographer. Elopement photographers do more than your average wedding photographer. We will help you with all of the planning, including location scouting, permitting, vendor recommendations, timeline creation, alternate plans for inclement weather, etc, etc. Many adventure elopement photographers are also experts in things like Leave No Trace, hiking and wilderness safety, and anything else to keep you safe on your adventure elopement. Depending on where you are eloping, how much coverage you need, and who you hire, expect to spend anywhere from $1,000 to around $10,000 on your elopement photographer. Beyond that, it's up to you how much you want to spend on your elopement. But in general, an elopement will be less of a financial commitment than a traditional wedding. And even if you have a bigger budget, eloping may still be right for you because of the mental, emotional, and relational benefits.
Moving right along, as I said at the beginning of this blog, your marriage is more important than your wedding day. Some people recoil a little bit when I say that, but more often than not, after they think about it for a minute they realize they agree with me. Your wedding is one day. It's an important day for sure, but it's one day. Your marriage is the rest of your life. So, for me, I think that the priority for couples should be on how they can prepare for marriage and enter into that season of life in the most peaceful, celebratory, and personal way for them. Here's the other controversial thing I believe...family is important, but your wedding is not about them, it's about you. I cannot tell you how many couples I have walked through wedding planning with and watched them give up the things they wanted for their wedding day, to appease a family member or a friend. I have seen couples spend way more money to make someone else happy, and I have seen them pick a venue they don't love just because it fits more people...people who they didn't really want to invite in the first place. Please hear me, family is important. But your wedding day should be about YOU and the things that give you and your partner the space and freedom to celebrate the way that fits you best. When you elope, you have so many options. You can go out with just your partner and enough people to sign the marriage license or you can invite a small group of family and/or friends to witness the ceremony. You can invite friends and family, but have totally private vows just between you and your partner. You can rent a house and have a party with your loved ones for the weekend. The whole point is that you get to do it your way, on your terms.
I mentioned at the beginning of this post that many couples end up feeling so stressed by the time their wedding day rolls around, that they are disconnected from each other. And this is the thing I am most passionate about for my couples. You are getting married. You have found your person, the one who you want to spend the rest of your life with, share all the highs and all the lows with. This is the person who you feel the safest with, the most free to be your true self. Your relationship is unique. You have little quirks that only the two of you know about. You have memories that may seem silly to people on the outside, but to you they are the reasons you have chosen this person to love forever. You have your favorite foods and vacation spots. There are certain songs that you sing at the top of your lungs when you're in the car together. You know, just by a certain look in their eye what your partner is thinking or feeling, a look that nobody else would think twice about. You know each other's deepest hurts, greatest joys, and all their wildest dreams for the future. This is your person.
All of those little details, that is what I want you to be able to focus on throughout your wedding day. I want you to have time to breathe, to soak each other in, and to dream about your future. The chaos of a big wedding day just doesn't allow for that space and often times, it stifles the moments when you just want to be with each other because you have to rush off to the next thing on the schedule. When you elope, you have space. You have time to celebrate all the beautiful little details that make your relationship special and you have time to just be with each other.
So now I have to ask, does this resonate with you? Are you reading this and thinking, "That is what I want for my wedding day."?
If it is, then keep reading.
Let's tell your family
Before I begin with this section, I want to make sure that you know that your choice is valid and ultimately, you don't really owe anyone an explanation. You have every right to get married the way that you want to, regardless of the opinions of others. You do not owe anyone in your life a big wedding.
That said, we know that the reality is our families care about us and want to be part of this important day. So, it's kind to take some time and explain your heart with them and let them know why you made the choice to elope. As a note, I have had couples who eloped in secret and told their families after the fact, that is whole other blog post that I have yet to write. Now, keep in mind, that every scenario is a little different, family dynamics are different, and this is not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing. Whether you are inviting some family and friends, or none at all, there will probably be people in your life asking you about your wedding, so here are some examples of what you can say to your family and/or friends...
"We have thought about and discussed it in great depth and we've decided that we want to spend our wedding day with just each other/a small group of family and/or friends. You are so important to us and we are thankful for the part you have played in our relationship so far. We love you so much! When we think about our wedding day, we want it to be calm/peaceful/stress-free/etc and be able to have time to truly focus on each other. A big wedding, with a tight schedule and tons of people, just doesn't feel like us and it wouldn't be enjoyable for us. Since it's our wedding day, we want to make sure we are prioritizing our own feelings and comfort level. Financially, we've decided that our money would be better spent on a house/honeymoon/etc. The financial burden of a big wedding is not practical for us and we have decided as a couple that it's not a wise use of our finances. We understand that this may be hurtful to you and that you may be disappointed, and we are truly sorry about that. We need to stay true to us and honor our relationship, and this is how we have decided to get married. We hope that you understand and we would love to celebrate with you after our wedding day!"
Now, you can change this, add to it, subtract from it, edit it depending on how you are eloping. A couple of important things:
Acknowledge the importance of your relationship with them and leave it at that. If you say "you are important, BUT"...it tends to remove some of the value you just stated. They are important and you love them. End of story.
It's okay to apologize and recognize that this decision may be hurtful to them. It's valid to know you are making the right decision and still have compassion for the feelings it may bring up in other people. It's also okay to not apologize. As I said, you don't owe anyone a wedding. And you should not feel guilty about that. This is one of those things that you need to use your best judgment on depending on the dynamic of your relationships.
As far as how much you explain about why you made your choice, that's entirely up to you. Use your discretion when it comes to bringing up the topic of finances or how stressful it would be to have certain people there. This is not about justifying your choice, it's about explaining your heart.
Many couples who elope end up having some sort of party or reception after the fact that they invite people to. This is your choice. I have also seen many couples do more individual based celebrations and make a point to get together with important people in their lives to celebrate their marriage, show them photos, etc. Do you and only tell people you want to celebrate with them after if that is actually true.
Okay, take a deep breath. We are almost done.
You've told them, now what?
You will probably end up with a few different reactions to this news. And that is okay. Some people will be totally on board and be stoked for you. Enjoy that. Be stoked with them! But we have to talk about the people who may be hurt, angry, or whatever other feeling about this decision. What I have to say about that is pretty simple. Ready?
You are not responsible for, nor can you control, how anyone reacts or feels about this decision.
Go back. Read that again.
Your job is to be honest, kind, and steadfast in your decision. You cannot control how people will react. Some people may not react well, but you have to let go of that and remember why you are doing this. I won't even say that the people who really love you won't be upset, because I don't think that's fair. But I will say that the people who truly love you will get over it eventually. And if they don't, if they hold this decision over your head forever, are they really someone you want to be in relationship with? Sounds dramatic, I know. But this is one day and it's YOUR day. More often than not, after the initial shock wears off, people adjust and come to understand why you made this choice.
I hope that for any of you who have decided to elope, are thinking about eloping, or who maybe just want to ditch the big wedding you are planning...I hope this was helpful for you. I hope it was inspiring and encouraging. And I hope that more than anything, you know that your choice is valid.
Remember, your marriage is more important than your wedding. Pour into that and you will be just fine.
Until next time,
Sarah B.
